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I smile when ... - 214 Ups and Downs214 Ups and Downs

Dearest Arran,

I smile when I wake up in the morning with you shoving your legs into my back to wake me up.
I smile when you give me your best cheeky grin.
I smile when you give us big bear hugs and pat us on the back as hard as you can.
I smile when you just want your Mummy and then you give me that look to say, ‘she’s mine’.
I smile when I think of how far you have come in such a short space of time. When Dr Thomas says “you are more advanced that we would expect you to be.”
I smile when we are singing in church and you sing too, at the top of your lungs.
I smile when you crawl like lightning.
I smile because you like jalepeno crisps.
I smile to know that your godparents are so wonderful and love you so much.
I smile when the children come home and you are desperate to see them.
I smile when you learn a new word or sign.
I smile when you are with your grandparents and they make a fuss of you.
I smile when you jump up and down on your chair.
I smile when I remember how hard your Mummy worked to carry you and keep you safe.
I smile because of our family and friends, that we are so blessed to have, that love you so much.
I smile when I realise you are just as loony as the rest of us.
I smile when I see how you meet every challenge with such strength and joy.
I smile when you squeeze me as hard as you can.

I am sad when I remember when the doctor told us you have Down’s Syndrome.
I am sad when I hesitated to go with you to have your first bloods taken.
I am sad when I can’t go up a hill with you, because of an injury.
I am sad when you want to go outside with your brothers and sisters, but you can’t, because you are not ready yet.
I am sad when I remember the hoover incident.
I am sad when people don’t understand how hard you work to keep up.
I am sad when people think it is easy for us all because you are doing so well.

I am scared when you have to have blood taken.
I am scared when we have an appointment for your heart, even though it most likely will be ok.
I am scared that you might never fulfil your dreams.
I am scared of letting you down.
I am scared that you are more prone to illnesses like leukaemia.
I am scared of how you will cope when Mummy and I have gone to be with Jesus.

I get angry when people stick their tongues out when you do, even though they don’t understand.
I get angry when people expect you to be more advanced than you are.
I get angry when politicians say you should have been aborted because you are a burden on the state.
I get angry when I fight for you and then feel irrational and over-protective.

I am excited when I think of all the wonderful people who care for you.
I am excited about all the adventures you have ahead of you.
I am excited that you have such wonderful siblings to care for you.
I am excited about what God has planned for you.

I will love your Mummy and your brothers and sisters to the best of my ability.
I will work hard to provide for you.
I will be at home as much as possible.
I will always fight for you my boy, whatever the cost.

I am so proud of you Arran. I love you.

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